Flags and Suggestions
FOR SINGLE WOMEN
These Red Flags and suggestions are detailed.
Please beware if you find any to be true in your relationship.
They were submitted by a caring DateSmart client and are directed
toward single women.
- Be wary of the guy who is busier than
the President of the United States.
- Doesn't have the time to see you. Has
too much work to do.
- Volunteers for additional assignments.
- Needs to wind down-with his buddies
in a bar-rather than spend time with you.
- Must spend more time with his children.
Must do laundry. Must pay his bills.
- And the best one of all, must have "time
- If he can't manage a few hours with
you on a regular basis, his priorities are questionable. Chances
are he is paying lip service to how important you are in his
- Be wary of the guy who can't be with
you on important occasions: your birthday, Valentine's Day, when
you need some emotional support, etc.
- If he can't rearrange his schedule to
put you on top of his list, at least occasionally, you will always
take a back seat to the rest of his life.
- Keep a record, however brief, of his
stories, missed appointments, and excuses.
- Pay attention to the details. A liar
eventually trips up over his own lies.
- Has trouble remembering what he said
the last time he spoke to you. Has trouble juggling his lies.
- If his responses sound vague or hesitant,
something is wrong. If his stories, dates, or excuses change
from day to day, something is wrong.
- If his stories are too fantastic to
be believable, they probably are not to be believed.
- Tales of exploits that are more appropriate
for the pages of a Tom Clancy novel are especially suspect.
- Also, be wary of stories designed to
elicit sympathy, i.e., dramatic or morbid deaths in his history,
unusual or unexplained illnesses etc.
- Be wary of the guy who equates truthfulness
with confrontation. Turns the tables on you. Makes you feel guilty
about asking questions.
- If he backs away from your inquiries,
it's probably because he is less than truthful himself, and his
life cannot bear close scrutiny.
- Neither a lender nor a borrower be.
Keep what is yours yours until the signing of the nuptials.
- Loaning money to a lover can upset the
balance in a romantic relationship. No matter how noble or unselfish
your intentions, he feels emasculated.
- Don't waste your efforts; if he is in
the least insecure (a likely possibility), he will resent you
for your actions.
- Be wary of the guy who uses his children
as an excuse not to see you. He may say it's too soon to meet
his children; he doesn't want them to develop a fondness for
you and then get hurt if things don't work out. That may be a
legitimate concern in the beginning of a relationship-after all,
no one wants a steady stream of lovers in their children's lives.
- Something is definitely wrong, however,
if after several months, no attempt is made to involve you in
their lives. More likely, the problem is not with the children
but with the father.
- Be concerned if you don't meet his friends.
Either he doesn't have any, a sure sign of problems, or he doesn't
want you to meet them perhaps because you may find out something
- Be suspicious if he won't introduce
you to his family. The reason may be that he is not as serious
about you as he claims to be or that he is afraid you will find
out something you shouldn't.
- Be suspicious of the guy who is unreachable.
His cell phone is turned off for long periods of time. Or he
doesn't return your calls until hours later.
- If he claims he didn't get your calls
or repeatedly blames the workmanship of his cell phone, recognize
that for what it is: an excuse.
- If he doesn't show up when he says he
will, and worse yet, doesn't call with one heck of a good excuse,
cross him off your Christmas card list.
- Standing up a woman is a sign of disrespect.
If you excuse the behavior once, twice, thinking you are being
understanding, you are just asking for more of the same.
- Be wary of the guy that runs hot and
- First, he can't get enough of you; then
all you get is days or weeks of total silence. Play the game
by your rules, not his; your schedule, not his. Get on with your
life; don't wait for his change in mood or affection.
- His controlling behavior only serves
to make you a victim of his mercurial and thoughtless whims.
- Listen to your friends. Ask them what
they think. They have your best interests at heart and are not
likely to be blinded by your friend's charms.
- Hopefully, they will think enough of
you to be truthful. If no one sees in him what you see, there
is something wrong.
- Check out your lover. Hire a detective
to establish the basics. Be observant.
- If you get a chance to visit his home,
carefully examine your surroundings. Study photos on the wall.
Certificates. Look at albums. Anything to establish he is who
he says he is.
- If you know where he works, see if his
company has a website. Make sure his description of what he does
for a living tallies with what you learn. Cross check the work
number that he gives you to the number that is listed in the
- Ask him to go to lunch. Meet him at
his office. If there is any resistance to this suggestion, be
- If a divorce is in his background (a
likely possibility for those of us over 50) and he is from your
area, spend time at the local courthouse. Divorce records are
available to the public. While you should not believe everything
that is said by warring partners, you will get a sense of what
you might have to face yourself.
- And while you are at it, check to see
if there are any criminal or civil proceedings lodged against
- Invest in a phone with caller ID. Screening
your calls is not the only purpose for this useful function;
you will also get a pretty good idea of where your guy is when
- Learn to recognize inappropriate behavior
for what it really is: behavior that you really don't want in
your life on a permanent basis.
- Trust in your own common sense. You
are a valuable person and deserve to be treated with respect
and dignity; if you don't get that, move on. There are others
who will appreciate your value.
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Trust yourself, if you feel something
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